My partner in boredom for today

What do you do when you’re about to leave to a possibly boring event, such as a company dinner or a conference you really don’t care about, and you’re anything but excited? You bring a book with you!

Taking a book with me ever since I remember to every possibly boring event I took part of over the years has definitely helped me getting over those moments when all I wanted to do was leaving or taking a nap.

Today my choice will be the spanish version of Memories of My Melancholy Whores, by the one and only Gabriel García Márquez. This promises to be an entertaining book and I’m sure I’ll be able to escape reality if I need to open it!

Image result for memorias de mis putas tristes goodreads

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Finished CV. What now?

I’ve been working hard on my CV for the past couple of days and I feel it’s a rather good CV for someone who’s just finished her degree (I’m going to complete my physiotherapy’s degree in july). The thing is that I don’t feel it will be worth anything in a world of connections.

I don’t talk that much and I feel I’d be better of if I’d have a bigger number of people that enjoy my personality rather than a CV with some interesting content. It’s hard to get to know someone through a CV. I could’ve lied. I know people that do that. How will an employer know that I’m not lying and that I’m actually able of doing what I mentioned I’m good at?

And how am I supposed to compete with people that are lying on their CV’s? Besides that, how am I supposed to compete with people that have an year experience? Why would someone pick someone who’s just left college besides the fact that I may admit to receive less money than someone with some experience?

It’s a scary world I’m about to enter but I’m sure I’ll make something out of this. I have to both concern myself about being the best physiotherapist I can and to find a job in which I can evolve without too many worries.

Am I anxious all the time?

Something crossed my mind today while I was standing in a social situation. I wasn’t feeling anxious but I was moving my hands in a way that definitely implied I was feeling that way. Not only that, I couldn’t speak properly. I then realized both those aspects happen to me all the time. Is it that I’m so anxious all the time I don’t notice it anymore? Is it the same with depressive symptoms? Am I so numb that when I feel happy I’m not happy at all? Are peace and happiness two feelings I don’t know yet? Am I compromising? Even though I think that may be what’s happening there’s no way for me to be sure.

I’ve got time

One lie I often use is the “I don’t have enough time” one. It’s not that I’m willingly lying to people surrounding me. It’s more that I often feel like that’s the reality I live in.

I do have time in my hands. I do need to sleep 8 hours per day and that’s something I can’t cut on for too many days straight. I spend about 7 hours in my internship and then I come home for lunch at around 3 pm. I’m very fortunate about that, I know. Adding those obligatory hours it sums up to 15 hours. That’s not the problem. The problem is what I do with the 9 hours of the day I’m left with. When I say 9 hours it does seem like a lot of hours, doesn’t it? It’s because that’s a lot of hours.

There are always ways to reduce the amount of hours you’re spending with getting ready for work and with meals. You can find which is the time of the day in which you’re faster and getting things done – like hygiene and prepping your bag – in that period of time. You can also prep your meals in advance. There are all sorts of changes you can do in order to save time in the aspects. The question is: is what you’re saving time for worth the change?

That’s what I struggle with the most – motivation. I don’t always feel motivation to make those kinds of change in order to save time for the things I enjoy. I don’t know why that is. If it’s because I don’t really like those things that much or if it’s because I’m simply lacking motivation for everything. Is it being lazy or there’s more underneath this?

And this is not about being the most productive possible. It’s about finding time to do the things we enjoy to do.

I’ve got time – you probably do as well. I’m not managing it so well – are you?

Rejection

The fear of rejection is probably worse than the rejection itself. At least that’s what I’ve experienced so far.

I’ve been wanting to record a “Questions and Answers” type of video for the longest time and I managed to record one so far. That’s too little when compared to how strongly I want to record them. I like the interaction it provides between “youtuber” and “viewer”.

The part of the process that annoys me while recording a video like that is the asking for questions part. I’m always as close as to beg for questions. I’ve posted a “tweet” where I asked for questions and I’ve only received one – from my boyfriend…

The tricky part is that I know that if I’d only jump over this process, if I’d only ask for questions in a stronger way, I’d probably get them. I could – and that’s probably what I’m going to do – record the first video with only that one question and then keep asking for questions. That could work and I could continue with that until people would connect and start asking questions.

You can understand by what I’ve said so far that what’s stopping me is indeed the fear of rejection and not the rejection itself. I was rejected when I’ve only received one question in my “tweet”, but it’s the fear of not receiving any more in the first “Q&A video” that’s stopping me from getting this started.

I shouldn’t stop doing what I enjoy doing because I’m afraid other people won’t like it because, honestly, I don’t feel that bad when they don’t. I don’t feel sad because I only have one question. I feel sad because I may not have the guts to record a video with only that one question – that’s actually a great question!

Whenever you feel the same way as I do and you don’t feel like doing something because you’re afraid people will reject you, think about if it will actually damage you to be rejected or if you’re just making a too big of a deal out of it – as I am right now.

(Even if it may damage you to be rejected, it may damage you more to not try. Note that as well!)

Pile of thoughts

It currently feels like the pile of things to do will never be gone. I’ve just finished an assignment and there’s already one more waiting to be done. There isn’t time to focus on other things I enjoy apart from Physiotherapy. Even though I do enjoy Physiotherapy, I’d love to be able to read, to write, to listen to music, to watch movies, to play videogames, without feeling guilty. What usually happens is that I do all those things while I should be doing Physiotherapy related assignments. I’m never happy and relaxed while doing those things. For example, I was about to go play a videogame but I’m not going to do that now because I know I wouldn’t be enjoying it as I’d like to. I know this happens to other people as well and I wish we’d all just have more freetime. It’s a social issue that should be solved. There isn’t time to focus on our family and friends. There isn’t time to follow other passions. We don’t have to have only one passion. We can have several of those and we should be able to pursue all of them. There isn’t enough time.

Is it easier the second time around?

Someone died in my past. It was a life-changing situation. It led to who I am today and it threw me into a depressive pit. Today my beautiful grandma died.

I’m trying very hard not to cry and I’m kind of being able to do that, even though it’s hard when you think about the good times. I need to jump straight through the other steps and accept it. It’s normal for people to die. She didn’t suffer and she was loved.

Above everything else, I need to stop myself from feeling guilty. That’s what we all do, isn’t it? Someone leaves us and we can’t help but feeling sad and guilty about every single time we said something wrong or mean. I try to do my best every day of my life and I can  only judge my options before I take them. After I take them, I can’t judge the mental process that led to them because I’m not in that situation anymore. Today I won’t feel guilty. There were two seconds where I felt already. but I stopped it before it grew any stronger.

Today I’m going to wear black because that’s all people like in these days. People like to see you crying and suffering or else you’re not feeling the death properly. I’m going to look like I’m suffering, for the sake of everyone, but I’m going to fight this battle inside and I’m going to be smiling inside by remembering all the good times we had together.

I’m going to remember when I used to play in her house and I’m going to remember how mean she was to me! She has always been mean to people, that’s a fact. That was because she loved us and she didn’t want to lose us by any means, that’s an opinion.

Grandma, my dear grandma, I forgive you from everything you’d want me to forgive you of and I hope you forgive me from everything I did wrong until now. Apologies done, even though this was not the best way to do them.

It’s time to wear black. It’s time to take a pen and a paper. It’s time to write down all our memories since I know that’s going to be the worst part in some days. I know I’m going to feel like I don’t have enough memories. That’s why I need to write them as fast as possible!

Bye bye, grandma. I love you.