Is it easier the second time around?

Someone died in my past. It was a life-changing situation. It led to who I am today and it threw me into a depressive pit. Today my beautiful grandma died.

I’m trying very hard not to cry and I’m kind of being able to do that, even though it’s hard when you think about the good times. I need to jump straight through the other steps and accept it. It’s normal for people to die. She didn’t suffer and she was loved.

Above everything else, I need to stop myself from feeling guilty. That’s what we all do, isn’t it? Someone leaves us and we can’t help but feeling sad and guilty about every single time we said something wrong or mean. I try to do my best every day of my life and I can  only judge my options before I take them. After I take them, I can’t judge the mental process that led to them because I’m not in that situation anymore. Today I won’t feel guilty. There were two seconds where I felt already. but I stopped it before it grew any stronger.

Today I’m going to wear black because that’s all people like in these days. People like to see you crying and suffering or else you’re not feeling the death properly. I’m going to look like I’m suffering, for the sake of everyone, but I’m going to fight this battle inside and I’m going to be smiling inside by remembering all the good times we had together.

I’m going to remember when I used to play in her house and I’m going to remember how mean she was to me! She has always been mean to people, that’s a fact. That was because she loved us and she didn’t want to lose us by any means, that’s an opinion.

Grandma, my dear grandma, I forgive you from everything you’d want me to forgive you of and I hope you forgive me from everything I did wrong until now. Apologies done, even though this was not the best way to do them.

It’s time to wear black. It’s time to take a pen and a paper. It’s time to write down all our memories since I know that’s going to be the worst part in some days. I know I’m going to feel like I don’t have enough memories. That’s why I need to write them as fast as possible!

Bye bye, grandma. I love you.

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