Is it easier the second time around?

Someone died in my past. It was a life-changing situation. It led to who I am today and it threw me into a depressive pit. Today my beautiful grandma died.

I’m trying very hard not to cry and I’m kind of being able to do that, even though it’s hard when you think about the good times. I need to jump straight through the other steps and accept it. It’s normal for people to die. She didn’t suffer and she was loved.

Above everything else, I need to stop myself from feeling guilty. That’s what we all do, isn’t it? Someone leaves us and we can’t help but feeling sad and guilty about every single time we said something wrong or mean. I try to do my best every day of my life and I can  only judge my options before I take them. After I take them, I can’t judge the mental process that led to them because I’m not in that situation anymore. Today I won’t feel guilty. There were two seconds where I felt already. but I stopped it before it grew any stronger.

Today I’m going to wear black because that’s all people like in these days. People like to see you crying and suffering or else you’re not feeling the death properly. I’m going to look like I’m suffering, for the sake of everyone, but I’m going to fight this battle inside and I’m going to be smiling inside by remembering all the good times we had together.

I’m going to remember when I used to play in her house and I’m going to remember how mean she was to me! She has always been mean to people, that’s a fact. That was because she loved us and she didn’t want to lose us by any means, that’s an opinion.

Grandma, my dear grandma, I forgive you from everything you’d want me to forgive you of and I hope you forgive me from everything I did wrong until now. Apologies done, even though this was not the best way to do them.

It’s time to wear black. It’s time to take a pen and a paper. It’s time to write down all our memories since I know that’s going to be the worst part in some days. I know I’m going to feel like I don’t have enough memories. That’s why I need to write them as fast as possible!

Bye bye, grandma. I love you.


Cat day is more important than Pangolin day.

Don’t get me wrong right away. I love that there’s that day where people celebrate their love for their cats. That’s positive and I embrace everything that makes people happy without harming anyone else.

As someone who fights in order to reduce as much as possible the harm I inflict on others and on our planet, I can’t help feeling like yesterday was a very small step towards peace between animals, which would be the main goal of this kind of special days.

Today is Pangolin day and I’m sure this will be another of the many days that go by without people noticing it. Fortunately, pangolins are usually not a “domestic” animal, even though some people try to turn them into one. There’s no point in doing anything today. So you know I’m not judging you, I won’t do anything about it except writing this text.

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Two reasons why pangolins are in danger are people eating their meat and people using their scales. I didn’t even know about that until I found a post of WWF in my Facebook feed today.

I’m not writing this in order to alert you about pangolins, even though I’m glad I can do that. I’m writing this in order to alert you about the existence of other animals in the world besides cats, dogs and other “domestic” animals. There are also cows, pigs, monkeys, lions, sharks, tunas, bees, flies. There are so many I wouldn’t be able to write them all down even if I wanted to. I want you to think about that and I want you to think about if you want to do something about other animals besides the ones you closely live with.

Cats and dogs aren’t the only ones that have the ability to suffer.

Books I need to read asap!

The books I’m sharing today are the ones I can’t wait to read and, I can’t lie, to get rid of! These are books that have been either on my currently-reading pile or on my to-be-read pile for far too long. Let’s get started because there are too many books to be shared today…

Currently-reading pile

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I’ve watched the film that was used to create An Inconvenient Truth by Al Gore when I was in high-school and it had a huge impact on me. I’m currently reading this for the first time and I intend to create a video with some of the facts included in here!

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I’ve read Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse last year and it was mind-blowing! I’m in the process of rereading it in order to create a video with everything I learned from it.

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I won’t give up on The Sea of Monsters by Rick Riordan! Seriously. I’m half through this and I can’t wait to finish it and hopefully fall in love with this series, even though I doubt that will happen…

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I’ve started this portuguese book, O Meças by J. Rentes de Carvalho, yesterday. I did enjoy what I read but I doubt I’ll be able to finish this before I finish the three books mentioned before this one!

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Um Homem Chamado Ove (in english A Man Called Ove) by Fredrik Backman is the one book I’m not worried about. I’ve started this in january but I had to stop it since I’m reading with a friend who’s currently reading other books!

To-be-read pile

This is not my complete TBR pile, obviously. These are the most urgent ones!

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First of all we’ve got Attachments by Rainbow Rowell that I’m reading in february with one of my best friends for our Goodreads book club. It’s going to be my first Rainbow Rowell book ever!

And these are the books I wanted to read to a marathon I created with the same friend I’m reading Um Homem Chamado Ove with but that I couldn’t even start back then:

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This is the order in which I intend to read them throughout the following months (plural because I know I won’t finish them as soon as I want to).

I don’t know if I’ll read a biography of Sigmund Freud… I’m not as excited as I am for a Gandhi one, if you want me to be honest! I’ll probably exchange it.

If you want more information about these books, you can watch the video where I presented them here.

Wish me luck! Have a nice day and be happy, fellow booklovers ❤

Losing subscribers

In the past few days we lost two more subscribers. It went from 190 to 188 subscribers. I uploaded several videos. Tons of videos. I’ve worked hard. Harder than before. I thought my videos were entertaining. I thought people would like them. It’s in times like these that I start questioning myself. What am I doing wrong? It’s in times like these that I feel I simply ain’t good enough and people in general won’t ever enjoy watching my videos. I know that the most important thing is the comments. I know that I shouldn’t pay attention to this unrealistic number. I know only a small percentage of this 188 subscribers watch my videos and that even a smaller percentage enjoys and comments on those. Those should be the ones I care about and that I don’t want to lose. At the same time, I can’t help wondering why people leave. What was it that made them unsubscribe. I unsubscribe channels that I feel don’t have relevant content or that I feel are offensive. I’d like to know why people unsubscribe to me and then I probably wouldn’t feel so down everytime it happens.

Binding books

Yesterday I learnt how to bind books. It was such an inspiring experience. I’m going to explain why.

For several years now, I dream about having a book shop. A place where I’d sell all sorts of books. Mainly books that I’d enjoyed but I wouldn’t restrict my costumers. Used books would be the main attraction. Or will be!

There are lots of obstacles one has to overcome in order to reach a goal. It’s the same as with video games. Most of the times, you need to improve your character and overcome some levels in order to reach the final boss and then actually win. The same goes for real life.

I want to be an author, a bookseller and a booktuber. Do you imagine how many abilities those will require? How many levels I’ll need to overcome? Learning how to bind books was another skill that I surely needed in order to conquer at least the second one.

I’m going to buy everything I need this week in order to practice. I’m going to go to three more workshops about different ways of binding books in the next two months. I’m not going to give up! If there’s a goal, there’s also tons of work in the path to reach it. I’m ready for the triple since I’ve got three goals in total!